Yeah. That is where I am at right now. Not a happy, or fun place. But one that I have visited before in my life.
I guess it's the inevitable plateau that occurs when learning a new thing. You get more skilled rapidly at the beginning...and then. Nothing. Less than nothing, in fact I feel like I have gone backwards. Regressing.
And I'm starting to wonder if I am cut out for this. Will I really be able to do this on my own in the field? Will I even get a job once I'm finished? Has this all been a waste of time? Can an old dog really learn new tricks? Or should the dog just go back to what the dog knows?
Because I can hear the airplanes calling to me. "come back to us" they say. "come back to where you belong. where you aren't incompetent, where you can do what is asked of you." "Come back, to where life is easy again....where you already have a bag of experience to draw from, to the place you belong." "Silly girl, why did you even think you could do this in the first place. Helicopters are for Real pilots, not tourists like yourself."
Yes, that is what my brain likes to say to me. Not always of course, or else I would have never left the ground in the first place. And, I am 100% positive that I have heard my brain say similar things to me regarding airplanes back in 1997. And I will never forget training for the MU2...boy, that really sent me for a loop. I was convinced I was the worlds worst pilot for a while there. And I know I ended up flying that machine just fine. But it's a hard thing to ignore some days, especially after a shitty flight where nothing goes right, and you are left feeling like you should set your licenses on fire to protect the rest of the world from you.
I know, I know deep down it's not that bad. I know that I am/was a good pilot. Ah...yes. There you go, it's the 'was' part that's eating away at me. Because while I know I WAS a good pilot until Aug 28, 2007...I don't know if that is still the case. (ETA: I had NO clue what today's date was when I wrote this. Funny this post should occur on the 2 year anniversary of my injury. The mind is a strange thing it would seem.....)
Maybe renewing my MIFR will remind me of who I was before. Because being the idiot student again for this long has started to get to me.
And, to be totally honest, I have no idea where I stand. Am I average? Below average? I need to know this. And for some reason I don't. I have a sinking suspicion that people are being overly nice to me because of my background. Like they feel bad giving me the shit I deserve after a flight maybe? Or maybe I'm doing ok and that is why I haven't gotten a lot of feedback. *cough* I highly doubt that one. I am with me when I go flying, so I know better.
*fucking turns about the tail...grumble...grumble...grumble.....*
So I guess I have to suck it up. But..while I don't think I want to be constantly be told how awesome I am....I do want to know where I stand. Because I have ridiculously high standards for myself. And right now I don't feel like I am anywhere near I should be. Reality? Or just me? I have no clue.
And I wish I did.
12 comments:
you are truly amazing.. i really think you can do anything. {hugs}
Sounds like me every time I learned some new skill. When I was teaching in the military I read some studies that seemed to indicate that the periods where skill seemed to plateau, or even degrade, are the periods when the skills are being cemented; moved from higher cognitive function to lower level nervous systems. I will see if I can find a link but my teaching days predate the web.
Of course none of that helps when the f'ing machine won't go where you want it to. Just keep working and you will come out the other side and wonder what all trouble was.
thanks emily. :)
and NT, very interesting. I have always known it happens, but not that there was any real reason that it occurred.
hey, from what I read here you've already made great progress, you're working hard. Your instructor gave you tasks/allowed you to do solo practice before you were absolutely confident that you had already reached that level. But he was!
Unfortunately I'm not a pilot, so I just assume that learning the fling thing has something in common with learning to fly fixed wing planes, learning to drive a car, programming or projects of any kind: great progress at the beginning. Then you start getting used to the basics, stop thinking about standard procedures and instead begin dealing with the hard parts. nec Timide has made the point already.
Step back, look around and where you've been coming from. Now check what you've achieved already ;-)
Regarding feedback, I feel with you. Once I switched to a new job within the same company. For me, it was a great challenge, but I got nearly no feedback. During the first review I told my boss that was missing feedback at all. He said that he was super happy with me. And that's what I should assume, otherwise he would have let me know about immediately...
Not what I expected. But over time I became really good and confident in what I was doing.
More than two years ago, I moved on to a new job, new company, lots of new skills and technical stuff to learn. Since the beginning I was told I would do great by my collegues and my manager. Yesterday I was nominated as one of three "best engineers of the quarter" for the second time. I got new challenges and increased reponsability over time, but I still miss feedback about where I'm good at, what are my weak points, where do I need to improve, how could I have done better when things went down south? Fine, I have reason to tell myself that I'm good at what I'm doing, but it's the immediate feedback I'm missing. That's what I'm actually learning: If there is no or only positive feedback, ask for a fair comment. I know there is enough to learn and to improve.
Anyway, I follow emilythehopeless: you are truely amazing, and you can do it!
The good guys doubt, the bad ones think they know it all...
When striving for perfection it is very easy to feel imperfect, which is sometimes a good thing, but not too much. By the progression reports you have given here I would say that you're above average with a good margin, but the one who knows is your instructor. Give him a call and tell him that you need to know where you're at compared to others and your previous progression.
With myself I found that with more experience (during training) I realised how many things I was doing badly that I didn't notice earlier when all my mind was occupied with the handling. This hurt my confidence and I felt that I was only average or below. Talking to other students and an instructor made me realise that my idea of average was quite high above the true average. That got my confidence back and made it easier trying to improve my skills knowing that I was doing allright.
You have the right mindset to get to the top in helicopters and as many of the best in any sport knows: The one who puts in the most effort will win in the end ( unless they have no skills, but if that was the case, you would not have soloed yet) , so no worries!
If you still feel bad after talking to instructor and so on, nothing will help and then remember this demotivator:
"If you think you can compensate lack of skill by trying harder, there is no end to what you can't do..." ;-)
Have fun learning!
Damnit, how can you be so different from me and yet be just like me in some stupid ways?
You're amazing and interesting and capable, and I was wondering what the hell August 28th had to do with you, when I realized that the medical event that changed my career happened on 28 August 2006. I had the good fortune to meet you the next day.
Annon and Tobias, thank you so much.
Feeling a bit better today, actually looking forward to getting back in the air tomorrow, so that's a start!!
Aviatrix....that is rather freaky!!! I can still remember the night we had dinner, and wow, one year after that I was all sorts of messed up.
Crazy thing time and dates sometimes.
Fly a lot this week, should be good weather.
I'm still looking for studies. All I've found so far talk about trivial tasks (tracing lines, placing blocks, doing arithmetic) not a good analogue for an IFR approach to minimums, hovering or turns about the tail.
I will keep looking, but it doesn't change anything. Yous still have to work through the plateau to start climbing the hill again.
Ah...I would...if not for my fucked up hand. I have to take days off in between (or at least one) or I am left unable to even brush my teeth...seriously, it's that bad... :D
But today went better. I felt more relaxed and with the exception of a few minor alt excursions and some rpm getting a little high, all went well.
Hopefully the next few will be similar, and then I'll start feeling like I want to do a ride...but who ever wants to do a ride?
Not me!!!!! :D
Nor me, but it comes with the left (or in your case right) seat.
Wherever you go, there you are.
LOL< exactly.
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